I hate how I let the simplest things ruin my mood. I hate how the smallest things mean the most. I had suuch a good day today. I realized a lot of things that I didn’t think I would realize. I reflected on my life. Everything I’ve been through. I know why I am the way I am. Why that attitude comes out from time to time. Why there’s certain little things that hurt me the most. And I figured I was gonna fall asleep on good terms. But, once again when I think I’m going to be ok something happens to fuck it up. Its something stupid. Something as simple as a friend request that’s ruined my night and has made my head spin. It just leaves me with a lot of questions…. I’ve had many people walk away from my life when I’ve needed them the most. There’s only been one that’s really fucked me up. I’ve learned to let go of it. Not completely. But to the point where I was ok with what happened. And now… You’re trying to come back? After all this time. Why now? I hate when shit like that happens. I fucking hate when people walk away from you because things get hard or because they choose to come back. And months later they try to come back as if nothing happened. Like if they never left your side. Over the years I’ve grown very bitter about that. I’ve been hurt so many times like that…. All those times have left me paranoid. Fuck… I don’t even have words to begin to explain how I feel right now. And what I’m thinking. I hate myself for letting that stupid friend request get to me. And I fucking hate that it still hurts….. I fucking hate this…..
Pretty over dealing with the same shit. And hearing the same shit. And feeling the same shit. Sometimes you just get tired of the same person making you feel like shit.
Life is always filled with surprises. A lot of unexpected things happen. But that’s life. Sometimes these things are good. Sometimes they’re bad. Sometimes they’re just plain cruel. In this world, there’s not that many people that can handle all of these things. And those people are the ones that usually have it easy. They usually just walk away when things get tough. They let no one in. They keep to themselves. And they just drown in their own misery by choice. I used to be like that. There’s been a lot of things that have impacted my life and changed it. There are only two people that know about everything that’s happened to me. They know what things have changed me and why I am the way I am. I recently started opening up. Just because I felt like I actually had something secure. Something beautiful. Something that no one can take away from me. But, like I said, life in unexpected. There are things that have happened recently that I wish I could change. Some things I wish I could take back. But there’s no erase button in life. I take responsibility for the mistakes I have made. And I take the blame for some of the things that have happened recently. I’ve made mistakes, but everyone does. I’ve tried numerous times to fix those mistakes and the mistakes of others but it never turned out good. It always ended up becoming even worse. I thought talking about things would help. But it only helps if both sides want to talk. What I think happened was alit if miscommunication. Or no communication at all. I feel like there’s a lot of things I’ve never been told. I feel like if I knew things that bothered people, then maybe I could change it. I’ve already started changing some things, but I never got something in return. I’m not the type of person that expects things in return, but in this case I did. But things remained the same. And it all finally blew up. That was what I was trying to prevent. I knew eventually things would become the way they are now. Which is why I kept pushing to talk about things. I said everything I had to say. Everything on my mind. Everything that bothered me. There’s not a thing that I didn’t say. I said all of this just to get silence in return. Now that things got really hard, it was time for those people to walk away. The people that rather just give up then stick around when things get really bad. I’ve stuck around for alot of things. A lot of bad and a lot of good. I guess it just wasn’t enough. The one thing I decide not to give up on is the one thing that I lose. It makes me really upset that I’m the only one that’s suffering right now. The only one that’s sad. The only one that can’t stop crying. But I still have to be strong somehow. I knew the moment I started depending on someone I was gonna be really vulnerable. I knew how fucked up I would be in the end if things didn’t go as planned, but in my head I told myself that would never happen. Everything would ve ok. Considering that I got through a lot of things, I figured this wouldn’t be something I would have to try to let go of. Even now I don’t want to let go of it. But I don’t know why I should be the only obr holding on when the other person is dying to let go. I’m sad for many reasons. Mostly for my son. It hurts me so much more because of him. And also because I’ve never walked away from this. Despite everything I’ve heard and everything that turned out to be true. I’ve sacrificed pretty much my entire life for this to just end so easily. I think I’ve done my part in the way that I voiced my opinions and things that bother me. I never got the same in return. All I got was someone walking away….